I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize