my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
