What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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