someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
