I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
