Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
