I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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