At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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