Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
