So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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