I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
