So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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