I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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