then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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