I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
