Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
