My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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