If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
