well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize