just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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