she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
