i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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