I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
