i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
