bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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