I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
