Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
