i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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