She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
