guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
