Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
