rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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