On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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