I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Man, jail baloney is awful.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
