Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
