I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think people are normalizing furries
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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