we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
a search helicopter?!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
