i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
