I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
