Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
