Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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