i think my tv is drunk
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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