Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
