You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
