yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
