Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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