He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
