you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
