Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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