If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
