Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
