Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
