When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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