I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
