Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize