so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
