Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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