so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
